As I explained in my ‘about’ and ‘profile’, more or less going to use this wordpress as a place to write down thoughts that come straight from my mind or heart. That means that most of the posts will be on the personal side. Just doing this type of post first in the event that someone stumbles across this wordpress and wonders what is going on. Always open to comments, advice, and what not… so if you read and feel compelled to comment or just say hi, feel free. I am not the type to bite or shoo people away.
Now to the ‘fun’ stuff, which is not all that fun. Helps to get it out though. Never really had one of those friends who I could really just bare my soul to without thought. Even family have fangs out when any weakness is shown. (Suppose to be some kind of robot who has no emotions, fears, or thoughts. Fun.)
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Let me start by saying, I know there are people who have it worse than I do. All you have to do is turn on the news to see that. (Syria anyone?) However, I am scraping an all time personal low in my life. No, that does not mean I am going to play the why me game. More along the lines of making a list and entry, and then using it as something to look back on for motivation.
I am 29 years old, unemployed (use to have a job but got terminated, long story), and trying not to become too demoralized. I do work part time cleaning houses, but that is a job that is unreliable… and this month it seems like the bills may not get paid. (At least in full.) Not quite how I imagined it when I started my degree two years ago.
In high school, 10+ years ago, I recall when my shop teacher came out to my house to meet with my father who was dying with cancer. My father worried about my future, and wanted to know what all possibilities there would be with the courses I was taking. My shop teacher was a pretty hard man, ex-navy, but that day he revealed a side he usually never did. I recall him saying, to my father: “Daniel is one of the few kids that I am not concerned with. I have no doubts he will make something of himself.”
He was not wrong. At 18 years old, I was hired by a large insurance corporation, made quite the name for myself, and became one of the leaders within the three units I worked in during my career there. Within months, I became the ‘goto’ guy. Whenever an issue needed to be addressed it did not go to the veterans who had been there for 10+ years, it was brought to my desk. Most people turned to me to speak up about issues and etc.
I never really developed an ego throughout my entire life. Being that ‘guy’ was more of a bother than some accolade I hang on my belt. But in a sense, I was a ‘rising’ star. How that all change when you get under a manager who just decides to not like you. Long story, although I will say that it is not all their fault. Still, she made a bad move. (She is no longer at the company, eventually they got rid of her too. Funny how that works out, though also sad. We probably could have made each other’s careers if she had not been so petty.)
Move forward to today. Jobs do not even bother to give me a call for an interview when I apply. Not because I was terminated, but either I have too much experience or not enough. Then you have the way people within the family want to talk to me. Mother, aunts, cousins, and etc. Because I cannot force a place to hire me, I am some kind of pariah. According to them, I should be able to force some place to hire me. (There is a lot more I could say on that but this first post is quite big as it is…)
To sum it all up. Right now, to put it in a rather plain context, I feel like a loser. My self-esteem has always been questionable. I am my own worst enemy in terms of being critical, because I know what kind of potential I have, but at the same time it seems like I just cannot live up to it. I am undisciplined, fighting with my self-esteem and confidence, and dealing with some things mentally. (Nothing bad, but just feel like… a loser sums it up.)
Then there is the reoccurring thought. In sports, life, and even romance… I have never been someone’s first choice. In football, despite always being one of the best players, I was always one of the last ones taken. In romance I have never really had much luck. Not because I am some hideous monster, but because nobody has just taken a chance on me. Attempts are met with ignoring, or the comment. “I would rather stay friends.” It’s a double edged sword. On one hand it makes me all the more inspired to prove everyone wrong. On the other hand, when thinking about it too much, it smacks right at whatever confidence I have built up.
That saying about how things cannot make you happy until you are happy with yourself? All true. I am 29 years of living proof of that. Going to end on that note. First entry, all over the place, and probably makes no sense to any who have the misfortune of reading. (If anyone did make it this far, treat yourself to some nice treat. You deserve it.)
This week I am going to set some goals, and try to make them happen. One is to work out for an hour straight. Got pretty close to that today, on the first try. Hit 45 minutes and could have kept going… but did not want to push it. (Not obese or anything of the sort, just have not really worked out consistently like… ever. Thank God for my natural fitness otherwise I might be.)